So Much for Intentions

Previous Chapter: The A Team

As much as I like having these women around, well, love, I guess, I get twitches of paranoia from time to time. I don’t doubt their ability to follow opsec (operational security) procedures, but I used to use a dozen or so houses scattered around the world, now I’m coming back to the same one after each mission. I’ll have to be extra careful as I too and fro, so I don’t accidentally leave any spoor that could lead an adversary back. I feel sure we’ll begin to attract attention at some point. They may not like it, but I think I’ll ask them to use disguises when they go into town.

I sometimes wonder if I’ve let these unfamiliar emotions change my thought processes. I guess it’s inevitable that things have changed, particularly in my thought processes, but my concern is my ability to blend in, to disappear, to move about without leaving any traces; basically, my paranoia. My life had been simple for a long time. I had well established patterns that required little conscious thought to maintain, behaviors that were hard to trace, that sort of thing. Is this “love” thing making me sloppy? I sometimes lie awake at night thinking about this.

Then there is letting two people, who really are strangers, deep into my security. I’ve given them the tools to destroy me and I’m struggling to recall (and I have _excellent_ recall) when I made the conscious decision to do so. Though I’ve spent a lot of time with Tessa over the years (eight and a half to nine years I guess; to be more precise would require effort), our focus has largely been movie watching, discussions thereupon, and sex. My time with Isabel, really, has been largely about sex (great sex!) though in between we did chat a whole lot. Our chatting, I recall, was largely on inconsequential topics, so I feel I know Tessa better, yet I feel a stronger attachment to Isabel. It hasn’t happened, and given what I know about her I doubt it ever will, but somehow I don’t think the angst I felt when Isabel was threatened would be as strong if I felt Tessa was.

It’s tiresome to have to go through checklists to evaluate emotions, but these things are so foreign to me I can’t think of any other reliable method. Since I really don’t have friends, excepting, I guess, Tessa and Isabel, I don’t know who to talk to about it.

Back to paranoia. Why am I so comfortable giving these two women such deep access? Maybe it’s their behavioral track record over the decade I’ve known them? It’s pretty trivial to maintain a persona over that period, with the sparse and irregular contact we’ve had, yet my paranoid lizard brain is totally relaxed having them around. It’s my upper, more self-aware brain that’s uneasy, all the more so because lizard brain is so relaxed. I rely on gut feelings and trained reflexes a lot, so have learned to relax and let things happen, but I’m concerned I’m being driven by the “little head” and ignoring issues I should be addressing. Normally I feel totally in control of my thinking. Lately, I feel like my brain has a mind of its own. I’m sure this sounds silly, but I can’t think of any other way to describe the feeling.

So, lizard brain is OK with these two practical strangers in my midst. I’ll rely on it against the paranoia of my fore brain that demands an explanation lizard brain is incapable of delivering.

With that behind me, I need to start thinking about how to integrate these ladies with my business. But first...